Alice in Crappy-land

So I'm getting ready for church on Sunday morning (yes, I KNOW it was noon service but THAT'S STILL MORNING!) and Kaden is following me around trying to steal my attention away from my beautifying. He seems to always know when we are running late because he comes up with EVEN MORE to tell me while I'm rushing from room to room. I finally get him to go away for a whole 5 minutes while I try to find something to wear---which is becoming more and more frustrating these days. I'm not quite "pregnant enough" to wear my hideous maternity clothes yet all of my normal clothes are too small. So I remember I have this really long dress/shirt thingie that I wear with leggings. I put on the extremely snug leggings and run back to the bathroom to finish my makeup. I didn't put on the big shirt and am standing in the bathroom wearing the leggings and a little black tank top. I've got my hair up in these gigantic velcro rollers (because I am in desperate times in the hairstyle department) and my makeup is halfway applied. Kaden comes running by and then I hear him slam on the brakes and backup to the bathroom door. I figure he has another 10 minute story to tell me but instead he dies laughing. I'm thinking maybe it's the rollers or the makeup.. nope. He keeps laughing and I finally look at him and he's breathless. He says "You look SO funny Mommy! Your stomach is so huge and gigantic but then you have little skinny legs and it looks SOOO funny" I'm standing there wondering if smacking him as hard as I can and calling it pregnancy insanity would stand up in a court of law... but managed to control myself. So I say "Yeah, I know--really funny. Go get your Bible I'm almost ready" He says "Are you really gonna wear that? It's SO funny! You should see how your legs look so skinny and your stomach--" I scream "I KNOW! IS DISGUSTINGLY HUGE--GO GET YOUR BIBLE!!" He starts to walk away giggling and says--"it's like one of those guys in Alice in Wonderland... you know?" (he's forgotten their names) My skin starts to burn. I can literally feel steam coming out of my ears--just like in the cartoons. "Oh.. what's their names...?" he says. My eyes are squinted with rage, my mouth is wired so tightly that I can barely get the words out "Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum?" He dies laughing "Yeah, Mommy! You look like them!" He giggles to himself for a moment and then finally makes eye contact with me. The laughter stops, he gulps and then says "But I'm sure you'll still look really nice..." and runs for his life.

I finished my hair and makeup in silence, went into my bedroom and put on jeans. And my child lived to see another day....